When my girls were quite young they were asked to be flower girls at the wedding of a cousin. The experience clearly left its mark. One day while playing wedding with their dolls we heard them come up with rather interesting vows including a promise “to love and to perish.”
There are countless tales of misspoken vows that have led to humorous memories for couples and their guests: officiants who had the wrong names, a groom who promised to “waffely take” his wife, couples who tripped over middle names, a bride who may or may not have misheard the minister when she said ‘til “debt do us part”, or the groom who had the unfortunate experience of adding an extra syllable and vowed his “love and infidelity.”
As hard as some people may find speaking the vows, regrettably a lot more seem to have trouble keeping them, including the increasing number of married couples over the age of 50 breaking up. These “grey divorces” now account for 25% of marriages that are ending. While the divorce rate in some demographics is declining, grey divorces have been on the rise for quite some time.
While we might assume that those married for many years have it figured out a bit better, it seems that some of the issues not dealt with earlier on in marriage later become deal-breakers, or obstacles arise that the couple appear to have lost their ambition to resolve.
So what are the biggest challenges accounting for the rise in grey divorces? Of course while each marriage has its own story and therefore its own factors impacting its success, there appear to be some common denominators including unmet financial goals after decades of marriage, lack of shared interests or activities, infidelity, the diminished stigma surrounding divorce, as well as better health care resulting in longer life expectancy and greater opportunity to find a different partner.
While divorce at any stage of life is painful, experts say divorces after several decades of marriage are increasingly difficult because there are more children and grandchildren involved, larger extended families that are impacted, property and business interests to consider, and overall greater assets to disperse. However what also seems to increase is the regret on the part of some after the divorce is final when those shared decades of history have been severed.
In an age when every pastime, food, animal or activity has a day dedicated to itself, so do married people. While couples have any number of special days they can choose to celebrate as milestones, there is one more: National Spouses’ Day on January 26.
Observed since the mid-1980s, it is intended to encourage couples to celebrate their bond, and unlike Valentine’s Day which has become about spending money, this day is about spending time. Couples are urged to take time to be together, shut off distractions and have a good conversation, and demonstrate appreciation in kind gestures. Sounds like a good plan for the other 364 days as well.
A story published last fall looking at the increase of grey divorce ended by seeking out advice from 50 couples who had been married more than 50 years to see what they believed had kept them together. Fifty couples with 50 years of marriage experience combines for a whole lot of advice, so here is a smattering of their nuggets. Let the other express their feelings first. Keep a sense of humor. Be friends. Imagine your life without them and you’ll realize how important they are to you. Apologize. Maintain a TV and device-free mealtime. Demonstrate gratitude and thankfulness even when things aren’t going the way you expected. Never badmouth your partner to other people. Engage in kind gestures on a regular basis. Make the most of each moment together. Kiss each other goodnight every night.
Everything on that list is something every married person could begin to do, if they don’t already. We shouldn’t need a specific day to tell us, but perhaps a reminder could be a welcome nudge when it might be easy to take a relationship for granted. Saying the vows is one thing, vowing to keep saying them is something else entirely. That’s my outlook.
