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The Ruttle Report - Cupid's arrow just keeps missing

Flowers. Boxes of candy. Candles on the supper table. Good old alcohol. These are just some of the ingredients that most people throw into their ‘bowl of love’ when it comes to planning for Valentine’s Day, which is but a few days away.

Flowers.  Boxes of candy.  Candles on the supper table.  Good old alcohol.

These are just some of the ingredients that most people throw into their ‘bowl of love’ when it comes to planning for Valentine’s Day, which is but a few days away.

If we go by our good but sometimes unreliable friend, Wikipedia, the yearly day of love got its beginnings hundreds of years ago:

“There are a number of martyrdom stories associated with various Valentines connected to February 14, including an account of the imprisonment of Saint Valentine of Rome for ministering to Christians persecuted under the Roman Empire in the third century. According to an early tradition, Saint Valentine restored sight to the blind daughter of his jailer. Numerous later additions to the legend have better related it to the theme of love: an 18th-century embellishment to the legend claims he wrote the jailer's daughter a letter signed "Your Valentine" as a farewell before his execution; another addition posits that Saint Valentine performed weddings for Christian soldiers who were forbidden to marry.

The Feast of Saint Valentine was established by Pope Gelasius I in AD 496 to be celebrated on February 14 in honour of Saint Valentine of Rome, who died on that date in AD 269. The day became associated with romantic love in the 14th and 15th centuries when notions of courtly love flourished, apparently by association with the "lovebirds" of early spring. In 18th-century England, it grew into an occasion in which couples expressed their love for each other by presenting flowers, offering confectionery, and sending greeting cards (known as "valentines"). Valentine's Day symbols that are used today include the heart-shaped outline, doves, and the figure of the winged Cupid. Since the 19th century, handwritten valentines have given way to mass-produced greeting cards. In Italy, Saint Valentine's Keys are given to lovers "as a romantic symbol and an invitation to unlock the giver's heart", as well as to children to ward off epilepsy (called Saint Valentine's Malady).”

Aw, isn’t that romantic?

It seems as if love is everywhere these days, which is a great thing considering how topsy-turvy our world can be too often.  If I think about everyone in my high school graduating class, the number of people married with kids or otherwise attached far exceeds the number of us who are still flying solo.

Not that I haven’t tried to woo the fairer sex, especially when I was growing up and all those raging male hormones probably seeped into my brain too many times to count.  Hey, things like schoolyard crushes and classroom infatuations are all a part of the human experience.  It’s only natural to want to find someone that you’re attracted to and who you connect with on different levels.

I remember having a crush on a girl in my Grade 9 year, and you know how teenagers react when they hear about one of their classmates “catching feelings” for someone.  One person found out, then two more were told, then four more got wind of it, and finally at one point, I’m pretty sure a teacher or two even knew about it.  Suffice to say, it was a little embarrassing on my end, and I’m sure it had to be on her end, too.  Of course, being a total chicken full of insecurities, I never did anything of substance when it came to my crush.  The only thing that comes to mind is when Christmas started to get closer and someone planted the idea in my head that I should buy this girl a present.  Being a 15-year old boy just craving any kind of female attention, I went out and bought the gift (I think it was perfume) and kept it in my locker, fully wrapped, for the last week of school before the Christmas break.

Man, I tell ya, I was a nervous wreck leading up to that eventful Friday.  It was the last chance I was going to have to give this girl my gift before the holidays, but the problem was that virtually everyone in our class knew I hadn’t given it to her yet, so they were watching me like a hawk!

“Oh, where’d Derek go?  Is he getting the present from his locker?  WE MUST KNOW NOW!!!”

You see the pickle I was in?  Well, long story short, I did hand this girl my present, albeit with a shaky hand and a less-than-confident attitude, all in front of probably about ten of my fellow pupils.  She was polite, said thank you, and appeared to like the perfume.  Good enough for me.

In the end, we didn’t get hitched and help repopulate the earth.  The rest of high school went on and my crush soon subsided.  There were other crushes I had, including one that ultimately shattered a friendship with a girl that I genuinely enjoyed talking to because alcohol caused me to open my big mouth too wide, but perhaps that’s a story for another column.

No, I won’t be celebrating Valentine’s Day this year in the traditional sense with the candy, the flowers, and the candlelit meal across from a wife or girlfriend.  Maybe this year, I’ll simply treat myself.  Hey, treat yourself too, these past twelve months have certainly asked a lot of all of us!

Until then, I’ll hold out hope that the future Mrs. Ruttle is still out there, and if I have any say, she’ll like steak, fishing, and Hank Williams.

For this week, that’s been the Ruttle Report.